ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
