Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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