Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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