just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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