I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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