Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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