Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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