I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
