The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
