did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
