I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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