me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
