So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he was CRYING into my vagina
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
