apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
