Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
