No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
