I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My cat gives me a boner
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize