I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
