12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
