I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
