I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
