I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize