It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
