i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
