and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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