Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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