Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
