he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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