Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
