Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I need to align my fucking chakras
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
