I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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