went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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