i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You are the jesus of drinking
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
