i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
