I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
