we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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