Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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