I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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