you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
