All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
