i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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