Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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