So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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