Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
