I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
