He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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