Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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