ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So much rum. So many feels.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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