How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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