Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
