Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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