he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I need a beard to bite.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize