you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
