I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
