can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
