I'm so fucking centered right now
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
