Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just want to make out with him forever
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
