They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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