Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
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