It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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